Wow!
Second blog in a day but I need to vent, and cry, and feel sorry for myself. You see, to anyone who knows me i'm a rubber ball - the hits keep coming and I bounce back in an effortless motion and the only person to know that isn't the case just twisted the screw a little more.
I got up today with such great intentions and did really well... 4 bin bags to the charity shop, 2 for the bin and a wardrobe and a cupboard out for the trash. Space, clean, boy-free, clutter free, junk free, moving on Me space.
Then the ex (and flatmate) came home, he didn't say sorry for leaving me on my own at NY and didn't really seem to see that I might be upset about it. I told him that i'd spent it on my own because of him letting me down and then carried on cleaning and tidying. He went to his room and shut the door (something he doesn't usually do). I asked him if he wanted a drink and said something passing later on in the afternoon as I put a huge bin bag full of his things out of the now 'property of ... city council' wardrobe and nothing, no response at all, just a mild look of shock as i'd moved his things. A few hours later he tells me he met someone last night and is going on a date with her tomorrow... crack... crumble... Immense pain.
I don't want him back, I genuinely don't, we both want different things but at the same time aren't we supposed to be friends. You see I could bore you with the details but suffice to say this is a really REALLY hard time of year for me and well, Mr S, he is the only person I have ever looked for support from and he ditched me for people he barely knows from his school days (he isn't a sociable person) the evening of New Year and to top it off comes out of the whole thing with a date! FUCK!
This person who took the vibrant me and made me scared to meet people and socialise (because he was that kind of person and after over 2yrs it just rubbed off on me), and now i'm the one sat in while he is organising dates... surely this isn't the way it is suppose to be. I'm supposed to move on 1st, get my life in order and tell him... Mr 'I'm glued to my phone and laptop 24/7 and hate socialising' that I have a date, not the other way around.
When I met Mr S he was in a really shitty situation, emotionally messed up and living with family who treat him like poo and making him pay big ££ for the privlidge. I helped him up by the boot strings, moved him out his hell hole, did his coursework with him through the final year of uni, helped him get his 1st and 2nd job, supported him while he was having a tough time at work, talked him through asking for a raise, and well... held his hand through some of the hardest times of his life when no-one else was there to be seen.
I honestly feel like someone has taken an egg whisk, plunged it into my heart and gone looking for 'soft fluffy egg white peaks' - why is this hurting so much?
I need to find a cap for this fountain of emotion, or is it better to let it all out once and for all. Should I bare my soul and see where it takes me or suck it in and move on as always? The thing is, isn't that why i'm here... the cracks were beginning to show. To be or not to be that person.
Talk about a spanner in the works for the 2010 turn around
your blog is very boring. totally taste less.
ReplyDeleteIgnore the comments of anonymous, i disagree.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine this must be a very difficult time for you. Sometimes its good to lay your cards on the table, no point procrastinating, find out where you stand if its over its over. At least then you know where you are and you can start rebuilding.