How it all began: 31/12/09 -

So here it is my narcassistic page of golden syrup on toast and there you are the faceless crown i'm telling my tale to, gratis therapy of the 21st century....

You my lil blogger friends are invited along for the ride but i'm warning you now, it ain't going to be easy as we both know its not like it is in the movies... this is going to be one gnaryly self absorbed, rocky road and you'll need to pull your socks up if you are going to keep up!




Monday, 10 May 2010

Black Holes

And the next line isn't revelations...

For no reason what so ever I hit a rut last night. Like a train going 100 miles an hour it came out of nowhere, knocked me off my feet and kept on going.  Nothing happened to trigger it, I was lying in bed watching some rubbish movie on tv trying to fight the urge to go to sleep too early.

Depression is a weird thing... if I told anyone they would be shocked and would think I was making some sort of macabre joke.  I mean, I guess I know that only you can help you and so there is no point in wallowing in it but its such a bizzare thing, I hate that I can't control it... I just want to shake myself shouting 'just snap out of it'.  I refuse to let a state of mental being win.. I mean i've been through a lot of crap for someone my age and i'll be screwed if I'm going to let what is really nothingness destroy me.  If only I could somehow tell that to the part of my head/brain that had me sitting on my bed sobbing hot, fat crocodile tears last night.

Truth - I stopped taking the anti-depressants the doctor prescribed me.  I felt I had been on them 6-8 weeks now and that would be enough so the last time I was there had him prescribe the same dosage, then 1/2 the original dosage too so I could try to reduce the amount I was taking.  He agreed but when I got home I decided I would just stop taking them all together as I would be fine, and I honestly thought I would be.  I mean, I should be ok without them right? 

I don't want to be one of these medication dependant 'hand me a placebo drug and i'll dance like a monkey' kinda girls.  I think I might have to give in and pop a pill today tho, I don't want to get to where I was before I decided to see the doctor for some tablets again.

I guess the irony of the whole situation is that I don't quite believe i'm not making the whole thing up.  I'm a girl struggling with depression but in my head depression is something that doesn't really exist its just a name for people who don't want to pull their socks up and get on with things... they prefer to wallow in the past and lie in a pit of self pity screaming for people to look at hard done by they are and throw sympathy over them like a warm blanket...

The trouble with that is... I'm here, stuck in a horrible, lonely and scary place that I landed last night for no apparent reason and the last thing I want is for people to know (you my lil bloggers don't count as you have no idea who I am) or to be stuck here for longer than a couple of seconds and a deep breath.

wow - not such a cheery blog today huh

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Nora Jones - Don't know why:

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3 comments:

  1. Anonymous10 May 2010 at 23:13

    http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/forum/bbc-2-the-secret-life-of-the-manic-depressive

    Saved my life

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous10 May 2010 at 23:22

    By the way, 6-8 weeks is only really enough time for anti-depressants to begin taking effect. It takes time. I was on them for a year, and they just helped keep me afloat whilst I sorted things out. Don't think of them as a crutch - more a bandage. Temporary, but damned helpful

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ser3ndipity11 May 2010 at 00:15

    thanks I will give it a look up :o) x

    ReplyDelete

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