A Defining Age

I don't live like a 28yr old; or at least not how I expect a 28yr old to live. 

I have a room that I call my own and the rest of my 'home' is shared with a guy I met pretty much the day he moved in.  I have absolutely no idea where I am going, only a vague picture of where I want to be.  I want 101 things from life and have no idea where to start and while I over analyse some things too much, I jump into others without a second thought.  I've no house, no car, no boyfriend, no bulging bank account and right now... no career.

So why is it, that today when I was walking in the freezing cold down the street, all by myself wearing summer shoes (becuase I can't find any winter shoes I like so screwed up logic says not to buy any at all), 101 layers of clothing and not a single thing in my life going the right way at the moment I felt a chirpy little relaxed smile in the middle of me.  Life is confusing!

I'm not sure life gets more confusing as you get older because things are more... well... older, but some things never change.  I might have to work for a living, pay bills, etc. etc. etc. as the list goes on but a first kiss will still make my tummy flutter, christmas is somehow still magical and I still think in the back of my mind 'when I grow up...'

<3

I've dated probably three guys since high school that if I had stayed with them I'd probably be married by now.  I'm not being big headed but you kinda know when a guy is falling for you hard and has that future glint in their eye.   I tend to run when that happens, and run fast.  I've stayed in touch with two of the three and to this day I think if I hinted they wouldn't be too slow in asking me to give it another shot.  The third I haven't seen in years and apparently married a year or so after I ran from him as fast as my legs would take me.  I've no idea if it worked out for him.

I've fallen twice as you know.  Twice it hasn't worked out and twice I gave my whole heart and got it back in pieces - but it was worth the risk.  The first was Clutz who is married now and i'm not sure if I told you this, but he is expecting his first child in the next month or so.  The second was Mr X. 

The thing is, I think you have to risk it all in order to win.  Equally you have to be honest with yourself and cut all ties when you know that you are with someone who could make you happy but in a settled and compromising way, and that is where I excel.  When the going gets mediocre, I get going.

I think i'm in a minority.  I mean, I think a lot of people set out with ideals of being swept off their feet and not being able to believe their luck.  In reality?  Most people shove those thoughts to the side when Mr or Miss 'nice' comes along and treats them right. 

I'm not that girl right now and I never want to be her. In work, in love, in life... I want to stay right where I am right now, reaching for the moon.  Maybe that's a brave thing to do and maybe one day it will pay off, or maybe I'll be eternally disappointed; I guess only time will tell.

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I love this song

The Script - Breakeven

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQHyBMXFTaw