I put a post up a few weeks ago on gumtree (love that site) in the hopes of starting a band.
I was the singer in a punkrock band for a few months, however just as I was beginning to come into my own my hours at work changed and we could no longer meet. The guys I was in the band with would travel once a week 50miles to a studio close to me so we could rehearse, write and record but with the shift change and our availability it just wasn't possible anymore which sucks! Auditioning for the guys was one of the scariest things I have ever done - they auditioned quite a few people before me and seemed to be quite specific in some respects about what they were looking for (oh and did I mention to audition you had to write lyrics to a song they had written - no easy feat), but luckily I seemed to fit the profile.
Anyhoo I'm missing that part of my social life so I put up an advert and so far have managed to find a bass player and a drummer. Long story short, a girl I know a little through work came to the quiz the week before last and put me onto her flatmate (he plays guitar) and it looks like we might be ready to roll sometime soon :o) The flatmate incidentally (who we shall call hmmmmm... Chase which is waaay more exciting that his actual name but one of his fave films is chasing amy) is a pretty cool guy, we have text a few times and I think we could end up being quite friends and no, I don't have the hots for him but it is nice to meet someone my age who is still into gigs and new music etc.
Tomorrow I'm heading through to the city next to this one (yep, still not telling you where I live) to meet some old work and Uni friends and to see a band or two, then tomorrow its back here for the b'day party of a girl I went to school with - should be a lil bit retro.
Today, I met Red for a quick coffee in town between lectures, I was running a little late and so had to hop a taxi. The driver had the radio on and at the very same time we both couldn't help singing along, it was a pretty amusing trip and definately brought some sunshine into my day.
----------------------
Here's to you Mr taxi driver: Missing you, John Waite
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPSE0cITcDM
Thursday 28 January 2010
Monday 25 January 2010
Intuition
Ok so I haven't written for a few days but things have been hectic! I'll try give you a super fast (hopefully not boring) rundown.
I met with Red, we booked a few gigs and comedy shows for the forthcoming weeks and had a bit of a giggle as we checked out the talent on offer on a few online dating sites.
Work and Uni wise i'm plodding along, nothing major to report although I am apprehensive about the grade i'll recieve for the last report I handed in as it was a heap of nonsense at best!
Things with Mr S are still weird and due to a chance find of something in his room (no I wasn't snooping, we are in and out of each others rooms a lot dropping off mail etc), I discovered that everything I had assumed and asked him an he had denied since NY was true. I was beginning to doubt my intuition and had started to think that maybe some of the anger I was feeling towards him for telling me what I suspected to be were a heap of lies was un called for. It now appears that not only was I right, I hit the nail on the head BIG TIME! I don't really want this blog to be about bad mouthing anyone and as this is for my secrets (not his), I'll leave it at that and not go into details. Bottom line, he is in self-destruct mode on overdrive, and at at some point soon he's really going to need a good friend and I won't be running to his help unless things drastically change.
Is there a secret formula to falling out of love and moving on? I clearly haven't found it yet.
-----------------
Quite appropriate: The Calling, Stigmatized
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9U0Exz5QVE
I met with Red, we booked a few gigs and comedy shows for the forthcoming weeks and had a bit of a giggle as we checked out the talent on offer on a few online dating sites.
Work and Uni wise i'm plodding along, nothing major to report although I am apprehensive about the grade i'll recieve for the last report I handed in as it was a heap of nonsense at best!
Things with Mr S are still weird and due to a chance find of something in his room (no I wasn't snooping, we are in and out of each others rooms a lot dropping off mail etc), I discovered that everything I had assumed and asked him an he had denied since NY was true. I was beginning to doubt my intuition and had started to think that maybe some of the anger I was feeling towards him for telling me what I suspected to be were a heap of lies was un called for. It now appears that not only was I right, I hit the nail on the head BIG TIME! I don't really want this blog to be about bad mouthing anyone and as this is for my secrets (not his), I'll leave it at that and not go into details. Bottom line, he is in self-destruct mode on overdrive, and at at some point soon he's really going to need a good friend and I won't be running to his help unless things drastically change.
Is there a secret formula to falling out of love and moving on? I clearly haven't found it yet.
-----------------
Quite appropriate: The Calling, Stigmatized
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9U0Exz5QVE
Wednesday 20 January 2010
Pieces
I'm just about to head to the hairdressers and then its straight to work for this lil bunny. Tonight is pub quiz, and my team has been challenged by one of the other managers (she is leaving work for another job and as some of her guys/gals come along with us on occasion, she has decided to lay down the gauntlet as a bit of a leaving night) which should be a giggle.
Hello gin & juice :o)
-----------------
Bit of an appropriate tune today: Sum 41, Pieces
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=By7ctqcWxyM
Tuesday 19 January 2010
Blonde Vs Brunette
Well the all nighters finally caught up on me today, I was wide awake until the early hours and then slept through my 1st lecture of the day (ironic considering I spent a couple of hours last night after work prepping for it as we had a deadline).
So it has been a day of PJ love, 4od, facebook, the occasional phone call from work and scoping the net for hair inspiration before heading off to work in...hmmmm an hour
The decision of the day is whether to go back to blonde or not? In the past 5 years I've been brunette, chocolate brown, black, copper, bright red, dark brown, caramel, platinum blonde and recently made the move to chestnut, but i'm not feeling it. Those pesky grey hairs were way WAY easier to hide with the blonde, despite the ever increasing hairdresser bill. I have a funny feeling I'm going to send my colourist into spasms tomorrow when I walk through the door and tell him I want to change back.... It took him 6months to get me the perfect shade of blonde, I stayed that way 2 months and then went brown to 'save the condition' and grow my hair a little but now I'm thinking back to blonde and the inclusion of some hair extensions? Hmmmm
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No particular meaning behind this tune, it just popped on my iPod so I thought i'd share: Rooster, Staring at the Sun
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBiMcV0IxsA
So it has been a day of PJ love, 4od, facebook, the occasional phone call from work and scoping the net for hair inspiration before heading off to work in...hmmmm an hour
The decision of the day is whether to go back to blonde or not? In the past 5 years I've been brunette, chocolate brown, black, copper, bright red, dark brown, caramel, platinum blonde and recently made the move to chestnut, but i'm not feeling it. Those pesky grey hairs were way WAY easier to hide with the blonde, despite the ever increasing hairdresser bill. I have a funny feeling I'm going to send my colourist into spasms tomorrow when I walk through the door and tell him I want to change back.... It took him 6months to get me the perfect shade of blonde, I stayed that way 2 months and then went brown to 'save the condition' and grow my hair a little but now I'm thinking back to blonde and the inclusion of some hair extensions? Hmmmm
-------------
No particular meaning behind this tune, it just popped on my iPod so I thought i'd share: Rooster, Staring at the Sun
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBiMcV0IxsA
Monday 18 January 2010
Running on empty
3 cheers for me 'hip hip....'
I managed to get my report handed in 8mins, thats right ladies and gentlemen, a whole 8mins before the box was locked :o)
2 days of my new favorite energy drink (lucozade alert plus - pure genius in a bottle), no sleep and for sustinance a single packet of nik-naks, oh and a rogue ferrero rocher discovered in the back of the fridge about 3am this morning.
What else... hmmm well I managed to cheer up/taint the eyes of the handyman for my flat today. He has a key to let himself in for ladders etc. and had knocked but this was about 10am and I had hit a rut so had decided a 20min stint of dancing about like a loon with my iPod would do the trick. Needless to say I didn't hear Jack, but he heard me... he heard me big time! Dancing down the stairs, singing at the top of my lungs dressed in a vest top, pants and knee high stripy socks I definately gave him a sight to chuckle about.
Soooo on that note, the tune deserves some Monday respect so here it is.
--------------------
Song of the day: Honky Tonk Woman, Rolling Stones
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Kve_N8rmmQ
I managed to get my report handed in 8mins, thats right ladies and gentlemen, a whole 8mins before the box was locked :o)
2 days of my new favorite energy drink (lucozade alert plus - pure genius in a bottle), no sleep and for sustinance a single packet of nik-naks, oh and a rogue ferrero rocher discovered in the back of the fridge about 3am this morning.
What else... hmmm well I managed to cheer up/taint the eyes of the handyman for my flat today. He has a key to let himself in for ladders etc. and had knocked but this was about 10am and I had hit a rut so had decided a 20min stint of dancing about like a loon with my iPod would do the trick. Needless to say I didn't hear Jack, but he heard me... he heard me big time! Dancing down the stairs, singing at the top of my lungs dressed in a vest top, pants and knee high stripy socks I definately gave him a sight to chuckle about.
Soooo on that note, the tune deserves some Monday respect so here it is.
--------------------
Song of the day: Honky Tonk Woman, Rolling Stones
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Kve_N8rmmQ
Saturday 16 January 2010
Homage to Orange Rockstar
Motivate, motivate, motivate!
Having slept in due to a terrible nights sleep about snakes, spiders and all sorts of creepy crawlys (I should probably try to google that online); i'm currently gulping down a cup of coffee that the guys from friends would shy away from and giving myself an internal 'good talking to'.
In a few mins time i'm going to frog march myself upstairs and break the back of this sodding report, stress or no stress its going in the bag today leaving tomorrow for a re-read and plagerism submission on the University website.
The mean machine called 'turnitin' which I called 'tutorin' not quite grasping the not so 'hidden' meaning for about 2 years; will then spout out a sneeky little report giving me a percentage of plagerism and listing the sources and matriculation numbers of anyone elses report I may have decided to sneek parts from. The first time I handed in a report it told me 13% to which I went into mass panic as I'd written every single word off my own back - it turns out using common phrases can also give you a higher percentage *phew. I now tend to go for the abnormal, saving me any kind of distress come the last min machine of doom submission. Last semester 3 students were dismissed from the University as the machine found obvious plagerism patterns - maybe they were all just Joe Normal and use particularly common phrases, I'm sure thats the argument they went into the hearing with but none of them made it out with a valid matriculation number.
If I manage to get the majority of this done, I'm going to meet Red later for what will be a well needed glass of wine (i'm not holding my hopes for that one tho), I can see this turning into a night of 'Orange Rockstar' - the juice of the insane. Come the second week of exam leave last year, I hit a wall and nothing was going in, I tried red bull, shark-something and all other mixtures of energy drinks and pills but nothing worked until (hmmmm what shall we call her) HQ (I'll explain later), walked in with a can of orange relentless - how did I forget the awesomeness of the energy drink after last time!?! Step aside sleepy eyes and the inability to concentrate - hello pinging from the walls, and having so much energy I could study while circling the room doing the macerena :o)
I discovered the wonder that is orange relentless at the end of second year when a group of us (4) were given the task of coming up with a business concept an constructing a full business plan. We all underestimated the work this would entail and put the project last, after all other deadlines giving us six weeks to complete from start to finish - big mistake! Once we started, we realised the extent of research required to put the financial projections in place and became glued to each other until the day of submission. We met each morning at HQ's house, worked 8 to 10 hours straight (usually before I had to head to work), did bits and pieces overnight and then went back to the morning meet again the next day.
With a combination of late nights, junk food and the introduction of orange relentless (which kept everyone awake and sent me slightly insane much to their amusement), we got the plan handed in on time and managed a good grade. We became great friends over the six weeks despite only HQ and I knowing each other beforehand, so when the time came to assess each other and submit a guideline percentage as to who contributed what we decided as a show of comradery we would include the nicknames we had come to call each other based on our skills/contributions. We were: comma boy, calculator girl, HQ and I was Skillz.
And there you have it, a lengthy, chew your ear off daily blog of my plan for the day, the reason orange relentless should be in everyones cupboard, my phobia of the plagerism machine and the reasoning behind HQs name.
*phew
-------------
Another tasty musical treat for you: Free, The Martinis
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuS91ccdRv8
Having slept in due to a terrible nights sleep about snakes, spiders and all sorts of creepy crawlys (I should probably try to google that online); i'm currently gulping down a cup of coffee that the guys from friends would shy away from and giving myself an internal 'good talking to'.
In a few mins time i'm going to frog march myself upstairs and break the back of this sodding report, stress or no stress its going in the bag today leaving tomorrow for a re-read and plagerism submission on the University website.
The mean machine called 'turnitin' which I called 'tutorin' not quite grasping the not so 'hidden' meaning for about 2 years; will then spout out a sneeky little report giving me a percentage of plagerism and listing the sources and matriculation numbers of anyone elses report I may have decided to sneek parts from. The first time I handed in a report it told me 13% to which I went into mass panic as I'd written every single word off my own back - it turns out using common phrases can also give you a higher percentage *phew. I now tend to go for the abnormal, saving me any kind of distress come the last min machine of doom submission. Last semester 3 students were dismissed from the University as the machine found obvious plagerism patterns - maybe they were all just Joe Normal and use particularly common phrases, I'm sure thats the argument they went into the hearing with but none of them made it out with a valid matriculation number.
If I manage to get the majority of this done, I'm going to meet Red later for what will be a well needed glass of wine (i'm not holding my hopes for that one tho), I can see this turning into a night of 'Orange Rockstar' - the juice of the insane. Come the second week of exam leave last year, I hit a wall and nothing was going in, I tried red bull, shark-something and all other mixtures of energy drinks and pills but nothing worked until (hmmmm what shall we call her) HQ (I'll explain later), walked in with a can of orange relentless - how did I forget the awesomeness of the energy drink after last time!?! Step aside sleepy eyes and the inability to concentrate - hello pinging from the walls, and having so much energy I could study while circling the room doing the macerena :o)
I discovered the wonder that is orange relentless at the end of second year when a group of us (4) were given the task of coming up with a business concept an constructing a full business plan. We all underestimated the work this would entail and put the project last, after all other deadlines giving us six weeks to complete from start to finish - big mistake! Once we started, we realised the extent of research required to put the financial projections in place and became glued to each other until the day of submission. We met each morning at HQ's house, worked 8 to 10 hours straight (usually before I had to head to work), did bits and pieces overnight and then went back to the morning meet again the next day.
With a combination of late nights, junk food and the introduction of orange relentless (which kept everyone awake and sent me slightly insane much to their amusement), we got the plan handed in on time and managed a good grade. We became great friends over the six weeks despite only HQ and I knowing each other beforehand, so when the time came to assess each other and submit a guideline percentage as to who contributed what we decided as a show of comradery we would include the nicknames we had come to call each other based on our skills/contributions. We were: comma boy, calculator girl, HQ and I was Skillz.
And there you have it, a lengthy, chew your ear off daily blog of my plan for the day, the reason orange relentless should be in everyones cupboard, my phobia of the plagerism machine and the reasoning behind HQs name.
*phew
-------------
Another tasty musical treat for you: Free, The Martinis
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuS91ccdRv8
Friday 15 January 2010
Melancholy
Uni work
The report is at stale mate, I just can't seem to concentrate or motivate myself to do anything of any substance at all. I'm waiting for stress to kick in as thats when I work best but it seems even a looming deadline isn't giving me the kick up the ass I need at the moment.
The flat
Things are just plodding along for want of a better phrase, I've my suspicions he will hang about the flat this weekend thinking that him being here will make things all ok, either that or he'll be out all weekend with lil miss eyelash again.
And the rest
Speed dating was cancelled by the company due to the weather and has been reschedulled for next week so time off work will decide if I get to go.
I'm hopefully meeting Red tomorrow for a catch up, although that will all depend on essay writing.
Hmmm what else.... Oh, despite being the worst runner in the world, i've just signed myself up for a sponsored fun run (although i'm not convinced the word fun will feature much on my side of things), application and entry fee paid, now all I have to do is decide whether to do the 5 or 10K and get a sponsoring myself.
-------------------
Tune of the moment: Rob Pattinson, Never Think
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=conacoiECjk&feature=related
The report is at stale mate, I just can't seem to concentrate or motivate myself to do anything of any substance at all. I'm waiting for stress to kick in as thats when I work best but it seems even a looming deadline isn't giving me the kick up the ass I need at the moment.
The flat
Things are just plodding along for want of a better phrase, I've my suspicions he will hang about the flat this weekend thinking that him being here will make things all ok, either that or he'll be out all weekend with lil miss eyelash again.
And the rest
Speed dating was cancelled by the company due to the weather and has been reschedulled for next week so time off work will decide if I get to go.
I'm hopefully meeting Red tomorrow for a catch up, although that will all depend on essay writing.
Hmmm what else.... Oh, despite being the worst runner in the world, i've just signed myself up for a sponsored fun run (although i'm not convinced the word fun will feature much on my side of things), application and entry fee paid, now all I have to do is decide whether to do the 5 or 10K and get a sponsoring myself.
-------------------
Tune of the moment: Rob Pattinson, Never Think
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=conacoiECjk&feature=related
Wednesday 13 January 2010
Numb
I've taken the rest of this week off work to get the essay done and tonight I was meant to test the scary depths of speed dating with Red, but due to the weather its been cancelled. My flat viewing has also just been cancelled as the Uni keeps rearranging classes for the same reason and so neither I or the people living there can make it till the weekend now.
Last night Mr S and I sat in the same room, we didn't talk but we passed plesantries and he tried to ask how my day had been before falling asleep on the couch.
Its like the calm after the storm, or at least the in between phase. I'm too exhausted to be angry or upset, too nonchalant to be stressed... I'm 'blagh' this is a very dangerous time.
------------
Tune of the moment: Fightstar, Hazy eyes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bxroZVRtRM
Tuesday 12 January 2010
Deadlines & Deliberation
Thank goodness all my exams are in April/May and I have none schedulled in at the moment because I think I would have to sing the 'resit' song if that were the case. I've one report left, due in this Friday and I'm so far behind its unreal! Tackling the spreadsheet from hell was always going to be an uphill struggle, but with a head like jelly its near on impossible. To hand it in on Monday and take the 1 mark hit or not... I'm almost convinced I'd gain that back in quality, but you can never be sure the marker won't be slightly more critical should you be tardy in the submission.
Mr S came up to my room on Sunday night and tried to 'talk things out' as he doesn't want me to move out and doesn't want to lose our friendship. The thing is, I know he is a good guy and he isn't manipulative, he's just selfish of late - so when he says all the right things, and words like 'i'm sorry' and 'things are a little messed up for me right now so i'm not thinking straight' come into play, its hard not to be sucked in like a curby grip into a vaccum cleaner.
I've got my first flat viewing tomorrow as it seems to be a pretty pants time of year to find something which isn't helping matters. The enticement of staying as things will be easier while he is making an effort not to be inconsiderate etc. is so strong, but I know I need to get out before anything like this happens again. Lil miss eyelash has been calling and texting him like mad so she is obviously super keen and can't imagine her to be going anywhere anytime soon and tbh not sure I can take watching the whole thing from a ringside view.
I hope this flat is perfect and the flatmates are just the kind of people that I could use round about me the next little while (the location isn't great but maybe thats a sacrifice I need to make).
Right, back to writing this never-ending report...
-------------
Please pass the link to my blog onto anyone you think might be interested in taking a gander and keep the advice rolling in.
Thanks to those of you who are already emailing and commenting, its great to have some encouragement and to find that some people are in similar situations and can relate. I seem to have a few 'regulars' despite having only 1 follower listed on my page which is great.
Mr S came up to my room on Sunday night and tried to 'talk things out' as he doesn't want me to move out and doesn't want to lose our friendship. The thing is, I know he is a good guy and he isn't manipulative, he's just selfish of late - so when he says all the right things, and words like 'i'm sorry' and 'things are a little messed up for me right now so i'm not thinking straight' come into play, its hard not to be sucked in like a curby grip into a vaccum cleaner.
I've got my first flat viewing tomorrow as it seems to be a pretty pants time of year to find something which isn't helping matters. The enticement of staying as things will be easier while he is making an effort not to be inconsiderate etc. is so strong, but I know I need to get out before anything like this happens again. Lil miss eyelash has been calling and texting him like mad so she is obviously super keen and can't imagine her to be going anywhere anytime soon and tbh not sure I can take watching the whole thing from a ringside view.
I hope this flat is perfect and the flatmates are just the kind of people that I could use round about me the next little while (the location isn't great but maybe thats a sacrifice I need to make).
Right, back to writing this never-ending report...
-------------
Please pass the link to my blog onto anyone you think might be interested in taking a gander and keep the advice rolling in.
Thanks to those of you who are already emailing and commenting, its great to have some encouragement and to find that some people are in similar situations and can relate. I seem to have a few 'regulars' despite having only 1 follower listed on my page which is great.
Saturday 9 January 2010
Music Soothes the Soul
Straylight Run, For the best
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_MPUR-XtP8
x
Blind to the Obvious
Ok so I got hurt again today and officially reacted like the bunny boiler in that movie - so no-one got killed but I'm convinced after my 'episode' that all women have a gene intrinsic to their makeup that can make for one very unbalanced individual.
Last night Mr S suggested that we talk again to see if any kind of friendship could be salvaged. As I am mile high in Uni work and it was late I suggested tonight as we'd both be in a better frame of mind (I also had to psyche myself up first), anyway he said he hadn't planned anything so that was that.
Today I got a text at lunchtime to say he wouldn't be home today/tonight. (I'll cut the rambling part here that although exceptionally important to me would bore you senseless) needless to say he didn't reply when I asked why so I guessed and I guessed right. Little miss false eyelash he met a week ago had booked a hotel room for them so he was ditching me for that. And then came the RAGE! Its official, despite the fact we both want different things (I want kids someday, he doesn't - a bit of a deal breaker in anyones books) I couldn't handle it. He'd managed to throw me aside again with a side salad of 'i'm going to fuck the twinky' thrown in for good measure.
I said some things i'm not proud of and completely over reacted - all on msn as and all recorded for future reference - hurrah. I couldn't control myself despite knowing at that moment in time that I was behaving like a jealous girlfriend and a pissed off friend all rolled up in one gnarly ball. Tazmanian devil eat your heart out.
I'm officially no good at break ups or relationships.
I'm great at dating, I'm fantastic at it tbh. Before my 1st boyfriend I was never short of offers and was a social dynamo and then after we split up and I got myself back together (it took about a year but we were together for 3) and I became a dating machine. Just to be clear, i'm a 'go out, have a nice time, get to know each other and peck on the doorstep kinda girl' so all PG
Once I fall in love however, game over! I'm a pretty great girlfriend (or I think so), I like the person i'm dating to have their own space and interests, I don't check emails or texts (like most of my friends), I'm trusting (after a while), I say what I feel and i'm not all 'lets move in together and have babies' either, oh and did I mention i'm not a drama queen - I hate to argue and would rather just have a calm conversation than go to bed angry. I'd say all in all, i'm alright. And then it happens... I fall in love and this person becomes the centre of everything, not in a clingy weird way but considered in everything and the person I learn to rely on - big mistake! Getting over that when it ends, it seems, for this lil 20-something year old is near on impossible!
I try, I convinced myself, and then I was surprised when something like this happened and the crazed-insane gene in my make-up popped up its little head up and forced me into the world of the bunny boilers. Don't get me wrong, i've never actually done anything terrible, but the potential is there i'm sure of it! And how scary is that! Although my friend - Red, was saying she thinks we all have it and she is surprised that in all the years we have known each other this is the first time she has known me to act on it. Hello cavewoman!
I said some horrible things, hurtful things, and whats worse is I kinda helped myself get here, I guided myself to this point where only disaster could strike. I know a lot of you saw this coming before I did, and I probably did too but its like a one way street and sometimes the train doesn't stop until it crashes - mine didn't make the station.
I guess I could have plodded along a little longer fooling myself; and I guess I might have reacted better had it been a date. I mean he has known her one week and she booked them a hotel! Oh and might help to say it was positioned like this "something has come up I can't get out of" - I wonder what that might be?!?!? A girl who looks like Bet Lynch from Coronation Street when she was an embryo in a wonderbra too?
ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
So.... how to move on from here. I guess it can't get any worse. I can't fool myself anymore - clearly I still have feelings for this guy and need to sort it out.
How exactly do you switch off feelings again?
Last night Mr S suggested that we talk again to see if any kind of friendship could be salvaged. As I am mile high in Uni work and it was late I suggested tonight as we'd both be in a better frame of mind (I also had to psyche myself up first), anyway he said he hadn't planned anything so that was that.
Today I got a text at lunchtime to say he wouldn't be home today/tonight. (I'll cut the rambling part here that although exceptionally important to me would bore you senseless) needless to say he didn't reply when I asked why so I guessed and I guessed right. Little miss false eyelash he met a week ago had booked a hotel room for them so he was ditching me for that. And then came the RAGE! Its official, despite the fact we both want different things (I want kids someday, he doesn't - a bit of a deal breaker in anyones books) I couldn't handle it. He'd managed to throw me aside again with a side salad of 'i'm going to fuck the twinky' thrown in for good measure.
I said some things i'm not proud of and completely over reacted - all on msn as and all recorded for future reference - hurrah. I couldn't control myself despite knowing at that moment in time that I was behaving like a jealous girlfriend and a pissed off friend all rolled up in one gnarly ball. Tazmanian devil eat your heart out.
I'm officially no good at break ups or relationships.
I'm great at dating, I'm fantastic at it tbh. Before my 1st boyfriend I was never short of offers and was a social dynamo and then after we split up and I got myself back together (it took about a year but we were together for 3) and I became a dating machine. Just to be clear, i'm a 'go out, have a nice time, get to know each other and peck on the doorstep kinda girl' so all PG
Once I fall in love however, game over! I'm a pretty great girlfriend (or I think so), I like the person i'm dating to have their own space and interests, I don't check emails or texts (like most of my friends), I'm trusting (after a while), I say what I feel and i'm not all 'lets move in together and have babies' either, oh and did I mention i'm not a drama queen - I hate to argue and would rather just have a calm conversation than go to bed angry. I'd say all in all, i'm alright. And then it happens... I fall in love and this person becomes the centre of everything, not in a clingy weird way but considered in everything and the person I learn to rely on - big mistake! Getting over that when it ends, it seems, for this lil 20-something year old is near on impossible!
I try, I convinced myself, and then I was surprised when something like this happened and the crazed-insane gene in my make-up popped up its little head up and forced me into the world of the bunny boilers. Don't get me wrong, i've never actually done anything terrible, but the potential is there i'm sure of it! And how scary is that! Although my friend - Red, was saying she thinks we all have it and she is surprised that in all the years we have known each other this is the first time she has known me to act on it. Hello cavewoman!
I said some horrible things, hurtful things, and whats worse is I kinda helped myself get here, I guided myself to this point where only disaster could strike. I know a lot of you saw this coming before I did, and I probably did too but its like a one way street and sometimes the train doesn't stop until it crashes - mine didn't make the station.
I guess I could have plodded along a little longer fooling myself; and I guess I might have reacted better had it been a date. I mean he has known her one week and she booked them a hotel! Oh and might help to say it was positioned like this "something has come up I can't get out of" - I wonder what that might be?!?!? A girl who looks like Bet Lynch from Coronation Street when she was an embryo in a wonderbra too?
ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
So.... how to move on from here. I guess it can't get any worse. I can't fool myself anymore - clearly I still have feelings for this guy and need to sort it out.
How exactly do you switch off feelings again?
Thursday 7 January 2010
Quizzage & Questions
So Mr S came up to my room yesterday and enforced a 'talk' on me which ended in tears for both of us - things should be easier than this.
Anyway, I stuck to my guns and he has stuck to his with a song of 'I don't want you to move out', 'we can work through this', and 'I hope you stay and we will work on 'us'' - Its left me feeling totally confused because he has been on two dates and will probably go on more with the girl we shall refer to as 'the eyelash' - pretty but plastic and totally overdone!
I head to a local bar after work most Wednesday nights with peeps from work where we enter the pub quiz and join in some random chat with other groups. Its not an overly serious quiz but not that easy either - we usually do quite well and it regularly turns into a taxi into town and a few bars then dancing. We all behaved last night - go us!
I'm swamped with essays for Uni this week and thats pretty much the only plan for today. So its hello cans of relentless, cups of tea and fluffy socks for the next week but i'm sure there will be some drama or other to report as I go along - no doubt some more flatmate chattage.
I'll let you know how it goes x
Anyway, I stuck to my guns and he has stuck to his with a song of 'I don't want you to move out', 'we can work through this', and 'I hope you stay and we will work on 'us'' - Its left me feeling totally confused because he has been on two dates and will probably go on more with the girl we shall refer to as 'the eyelash' - pretty but plastic and totally overdone!
I head to a local bar after work most Wednesday nights with peeps from work where we enter the pub quiz and join in some random chat with other groups. Its not an overly serious quiz but not that easy either - we usually do quite well and it regularly turns into a taxi into town and a few bars then dancing. We all behaved last night - go us!
I'm swamped with essays for Uni this week and thats pretty much the only plan for today. So its hello cans of relentless, cups of tea and fluffy socks for the next week but i'm sure there will be some drama or other to report as I go along - no doubt some more flatmate chattage.
I'll let you know how it goes x
Tuesday 5 January 2010
A Giant Leap
I came home from work last night expecting my flatmate Mr S to be in as he had asked that we talk about things - he wasn't. The roads are awful here and as he finishes work 4hrs before I do and the gym was closed I started to worry. I text - no reply. I called - no reply. I decided to wait a while before calling hospitals etc.
I got a text a while later, it turns out the 'talk' he had arranged with me to sort things out - his idea not mine, had been shunned without me knowing and he had gone out on a date. Thats right ladies and gentlemen - furious!
Anyway I thought it over and thought everything through (there's lots I haven't said and you don't know) and decided that I should move out so today, this afternoon I sent Mr S an email to let him know. I wasn't going for juvenile and would have liked to speak about things and then make a decision and say to him in person that I was going to move out, but well there has been opportunity and attempts have been made to talk but it didn't exactly go to plan (basically, no judging me for opting for an email).
I've done the right thing... right?
I got a text a while later, it turns out the 'talk' he had arranged with me to sort things out - his idea not mine, had been shunned without me knowing and he had gone out on a date. Thats right ladies and gentlemen - furious!
Anyway I thought it over and thought everything through (there's lots I haven't said and you don't know) and decided that I should move out so today, this afternoon I sent Mr S an email to let him know. I wasn't going for juvenile and would have liked to speak about things and then make a decision and say to him in person that I was going to move out, but well there has been opportunity and attempts have been made to talk but it didn't exactly go to plan (basically, no judging me for opting for an email).
I've done the right thing... right?
Monday 4 January 2010
Family Tree
So I met with my second cousin (lets call her J) from Australia yesterday who up until November of this year I didn't know existed. Tracked down via the web her father and mine were as thick as thieves until they eloped and all ties were lost and yet fond memories and stories of times long gone prevail. It was great to hear all about my father's side of the family as he was fifty when I was born and so they had already passed away.
It was a fantastic journey taking me from 2010 right back to 1801 and however dysfunctional, eccentric or long forgotten these people have come to be, it warmed me to the bone to feel part such a unique family. I had never before seen a photograph of my grandparents despite my dad talking so fondly about his mum when I was growing up, and strange to see that I look just like her and have many of her personality traits.
So on the looking back before looking forward front I think I should be awarded a big fat tick.
It was a fantastic journey taking me from 2010 right back to 1801 and however dysfunctional, eccentric or long forgotten these people have come to be, it warmed me to the bone to feel part such a unique family. I had never before seen a photograph of my grandparents despite my dad talking so fondly about his mum when I was growing up, and strange to see that I look just like her and have many of her personality traits.
So on the looking back before looking forward front I think I should be awarded a big fat tick.
Sunday 3 January 2010
Starbucks & Stopwatches
So with the date of my ex looming yesterday I decided to get up early, clear out a few last bits and pieces, go for a super long walk and then meet a friend for coffee and a catch-up - all perfectly suitable avoidance tactics.
Coffee was good, and I met one of my more mature friends who we shall call Red due to her love of lip gloss. Anyway, I told her about my disasterous christmas and then skimmed over the things going on with Mr S and she slapped some sense into me in the nicest way possible - you see while Red has chaos of her own, we both tackle things in different ways so seem to be the antidote to each others poison.
The aim of the day was to shake things up a little, so we hit an internet cafe and have booked on a speed dating event on the 13th of January (her new year resolution is to find a man), and then proceded to a multitude of shops in search of new make-up and the perfect false eyelashes. I found a love for these spider like stick-ons at my Christmas night out, get the right kind and rather than look like a drag queen (which lets face it, a lot of people do), you have eyelashes Cleopatera would be proud of.
It was a therapeutic day and I arrived home after Mr S had left for his date - hurrah!
Mr S arrived back after 12 and text me to say his date was 'ok (:s)' that he thought 'he wasn't ready for a relationship' and we needed to talk about our friendship - in the spirit of all things 2010 I said ok come to my room and we'll talk now. He said he had an email to send first and would be up in a little while. Twenty minutes later... no Mr S and then I realised... I have spent too much of my time this last year either waiting for or planning around him and why? Long story short, I text a while later to say come now or I was going to sleep, when he finally said he had finished and was ready to come up I text 'night x' - thats right, he said jump and I said... get lost! (ok so maybe its not as dramatic as that but baby steps) and I feel super happy about it.
Anyway today is a new day and it should be an interesting one, long story short a long lost relative of my dad's who had eloped to Australia contacted me a few months ago looking for him. I let her know he had passed away at Christmas a few years ago and we traded a few family stories and photo's etc before she told me she was coming to the UK for a month at Christmas with work, and she was hoping to meet some of the people over here she had managed to track down. She is grabbing a train here for when I finish work tonight and we are going to head for dinner and then do some sight seeing tomorrow no doubt.
No, today is going to be a good day :o)
p.s I know my blog is maybe painting people in a slightly unfair light and I don't want that to be the case but I can't vent if I'm apologising for every sentance, if that makes sense.
For the record, Mr S is on the whole a really great guy who has just let me down a lot lately. He did text yesterday afternoon to check I was ok out in the snow and did ask me how I was hanging on in there with the cold from hell that has been lingering this past few weeks - as some of you have commented/emailed, he's maybe someone i'm still in love with and trying to get closure on.
Coffee was good, and I met one of my more mature friends who we shall call Red due to her love of lip gloss. Anyway, I told her about my disasterous christmas and then skimmed over the things going on with Mr S and she slapped some sense into me in the nicest way possible - you see while Red has chaos of her own, we both tackle things in different ways so seem to be the antidote to each others poison.
The aim of the day was to shake things up a little, so we hit an internet cafe and have booked on a speed dating event on the 13th of January (her new year resolution is to find a man), and then proceded to a multitude of shops in search of new make-up and the perfect false eyelashes. I found a love for these spider like stick-ons at my Christmas night out, get the right kind and rather than look like a drag queen (which lets face it, a lot of people do), you have eyelashes Cleopatera would be proud of.
It was a therapeutic day and I arrived home after Mr S had left for his date - hurrah!
Mr S arrived back after 12 and text me to say his date was 'ok (:s)' that he thought 'he wasn't ready for a relationship' and we needed to talk about our friendship - in the spirit of all things 2010 I said ok come to my room and we'll talk now. He said he had an email to send first and would be up in a little while. Twenty minutes later... no Mr S and then I realised... I have spent too much of my time this last year either waiting for or planning around him and why? Long story short, I text a while later to say come now or I was going to sleep, when he finally said he had finished and was ready to come up I text 'night x' - thats right, he said jump and I said... get lost! (ok so maybe its not as dramatic as that but baby steps) and I feel super happy about it.
Anyway today is a new day and it should be an interesting one, long story short a long lost relative of my dad's who had eloped to Australia contacted me a few months ago looking for him. I let her know he had passed away at Christmas a few years ago and we traded a few family stories and photo's etc before she told me she was coming to the UK for a month at Christmas with work, and she was hoping to meet some of the people over here she had managed to track down. She is grabbing a train here for when I finish work tonight and we are going to head for dinner and then do some sight seeing tomorrow no doubt.
No, today is going to be a good day :o)
p.s I know my blog is maybe painting people in a slightly unfair light and I don't want that to be the case but I can't vent if I'm apologising for every sentance, if that makes sense.
For the record, Mr S is on the whole a really great guy who has just let me down a lot lately. He did text yesterday afternoon to check I was ok out in the snow and did ask me how I was hanging on in there with the cold from hell that has been lingering this past few weeks - as some of you have commented/emailed, he's maybe someone i'm still in love with and trying to get closure on.
Saturday 2 January 2010
Cracks
"There is a crack in everything, thats how the light gets in.
"I don't consider myself a pessimist. I think of a pessimist as someone who is waiting for it to rain. And I feel soaked to the skin"
The man is a genius x
Friday 1 January 2010
Broken Heart & Therapeutic Venting
Wow!
Second blog in a day but I need to vent, and cry, and feel sorry for myself. You see, to anyone who knows me i'm a rubber ball - the hits keep coming and I bounce back in an effortless motion and the only person to know that isn't the case just twisted the screw a little more.
I got up today with such great intentions and did really well... 4 bin bags to the charity shop, 2 for the bin and a wardrobe and a cupboard out for the trash. Space, clean, boy-free, clutter free, junk free, moving on Me space.
Then the ex (and flatmate) came home, he didn't say sorry for leaving me on my own at NY and didn't really seem to see that I might be upset about it. I told him that i'd spent it on my own because of him letting me down and then carried on cleaning and tidying. He went to his room and shut the door (something he doesn't usually do). I asked him if he wanted a drink and said something passing later on in the afternoon as I put a huge bin bag full of his things out of the now 'property of ... city council' wardrobe and nothing, no response at all, just a mild look of shock as i'd moved his things. A few hours later he tells me he met someone last night and is going on a date with her tomorrow... crack... crumble... Immense pain.
I don't want him back, I genuinely don't, we both want different things but at the same time aren't we supposed to be friends. You see I could bore you with the details but suffice to say this is a really REALLY hard time of year for me and well, Mr S, he is the only person I have ever looked for support from and he ditched me for people he barely knows from his school days (he isn't a sociable person) the evening of New Year and to top it off comes out of the whole thing with a date! FUCK!
This person who took the vibrant me and made me scared to meet people and socialise (because he was that kind of person and after over 2yrs it just rubbed off on me), and now i'm the one sat in while he is organising dates... surely this isn't the way it is suppose to be. I'm supposed to move on 1st, get my life in order and tell him... Mr 'I'm glued to my phone and laptop 24/7 and hate socialising' that I have a date, not the other way around.
When I met Mr S he was in a really shitty situation, emotionally messed up and living with family who treat him like poo and making him pay big ££ for the privlidge. I helped him up by the boot strings, moved him out his hell hole, did his coursework with him through the final year of uni, helped him get his 1st and 2nd job, supported him while he was having a tough time at work, talked him through asking for a raise, and well... held his hand through some of the hardest times of his life when no-one else was there to be seen.
I honestly feel like someone has taken an egg whisk, plunged it into my heart and gone looking for 'soft fluffy egg white peaks' - why is this hurting so much?
I need to find a cap for this fountain of emotion, or is it better to let it all out once and for all. Should I bare my soul and see where it takes me or suck it in and move on as always? The thing is, isn't that why i'm here... the cracks were beginning to show. To be or not to be that person.
Talk about a spanner in the works for the 2010 turn around
Second blog in a day but I need to vent, and cry, and feel sorry for myself. You see, to anyone who knows me i'm a rubber ball - the hits keep coming and I bounce back in an effortless motion and the only person to know that isn't the case just twisted the screw a little more.
I got up today with such great intentions and did really well... 4 bin bags to the charity shop, 2 for the bin and a wardrobe and a cupboard out for the trash. Space, clean, boy-free, clutter free, junk free, moving on Me space.
Then the ex (and flatmate) came home, he didn't say sorry for leaving me on my own at NY and didn't really seem to see that I might be upset about it. I told him that i'd spent it on my own because of him letting me down and then carried on cleaning and tidying. He went to his room and shut the door (something he doesn't usually do). I asked him if he wanted a drink and said something passing later on in the afternoon as I put a huge bin bag full of his things out of the now 'property of ... city council' wardrobe and nothing, no response at all, just a mild look of shock as i'd moved his things. A few hours later he tells me he met someone last night and is going on a date with her tomorrow... crack... crumble... Immense pain.
I don't want him back, I genuinely don't, we both want different things but at the same time aren't we supposed to be friends. You see I could bore you with the details but suffice to say this is a really REALLY hard time of year for me and well, Mr S, he is the only person I have ever looked for support from and he ditched me for people he barely knows from his school days (he isn't a sociable person) the evening of New Year and to top it off comes out of the whole thing with a date! FUCK!
This person who took the vibrant me and made me scared to meet people and socialise (because he was that kind of person and after over 2yrs it just rubbed off on me), and now i'm the one sat in while he is organising dates... surely this isn't the way it is suppose to be. I'm supposed to move on 1st, get my life in order and tell him... Mr 'I'm glued to my phone and laptop 24/7 and hate socialising' that I have a date, not the other way around.
When I met Mr S he was in a really shitty situation, emotionally messed up and living with family who treat him like poo and making him pay big ££ for the privlidge. I helped him up by the boot strings, moved him out his hell hole, did his coursework with him through the final year of uni, helped him get his 1st and 2nd job, supported him while he was having a tough time at work, talked him through asking for a raise, and well... held his hand through some of the hardest times of his life when no-one else was there to be seen.
I honestly feel like someone has taken an egg whisk, plunged it into my heart and gone looking for 'soft fluffy egg white peaks' - why is this hurting so much?
I need to find a cap for this fountain of emotion, or is it better to let it all out once and for all. Should I bare my soul and see where it takes me or suck it in and move on as always? The thing is, isn't that why i'm here... the cracks were beginning to show. To be or not to be that person.
Talk about a spanner in the works for the 2010 turn around
Starting Point & Strangers
So I survived NY on my own, well almost, a delicious helping of Hugh Grant in Love Actually carried me through the bells and straight into 2010.
So as day one, today definately needs an action plan and they say godliness is next to cleanliness so despite my otherwise agnostic approach to life I'm wiling to take this one at face value... Goodbye clutter.
When my grandma passed away I was only a little girl but remember cleaning out her house with my mum and aunt and it was insane the sheer volume of rubbish she had sqeezed into that 1 bedroom flat - I think I to might also be a closet hoarder.
No, its time to be brutal anything I can't remember owning, anything I haven't worn in the last 6months and all 'just incase' items must go! Goodbye old nail varnish, magazine cuttings with 'must have eyeshadow' and hello industrial black bin liners for the charity shop.
On another note, my ex, flatmate and NY eve ditcher will be back at some point today and i've reasoned with myself the last hour to just let it go?? Bottom line, he isn't a bad person, just inconsiderate at times taking me for granted, but I guess I helped him to get there so maybe I'm to blame as much as he is? I think i'll go with the avoidance approach - "Hi there, happy new year... yep, I spent it on my own... ok gotta go" ?
Oh and the wardrobe upstairs in my room strewn with the clutter he never uses but never gets round to clearing out... Same rules apply.
I'd like nothing more than to hang out with someone today and avoid all contact with him, but i'm going to resist, no avoiding this year - everything head on. Baby steps. Clean flat and then a night of pampering myself.
I'll let you know how it goes...
ps: Thanks to those of you who are reading and have either commented or sent me emails over the last 24hrs x
So as day one, today definately needs an action plan and they say godliness is next to cleanliness so despite my otherwise agnostic approach to life I'm wiling to take this one at face value... Goodbye clutter.
When my grandma passed away I was only a little girl but remember cleaning out her house with my mum and aunt and it was insane the sheer volume of rubbish she had sqeezed into that 1 bedroom flat - I think I to might also be a closet hoarder.
No, its time to be brutal anything I can't remember owning, anything I haven't worn in the last 6months and all 'just incase' items must go! Goodbye old nail varnish, magazine cuttings with 'must have eyeshadow' and hello industrial black bin liners for the charity shop.
On another note, my ex, flatmate and NY eve ditcher will be back at some point today and i've reasoned with myself the last hour to just let it go?? Bottom line, he isn't a bad person, just inconsiderate at times taking me for granted, but I guess I helped him to get there so maybe I'm to blame as much as he is? I think i'll go with the avoidance approach - "Hi there, happy new year... yep, I spent it on my own... ok gotta go" ?
Oh and the wardrobe upstairs in my room strewn with the clutter he never uses but never gets round to clearing out... Same rules apply.
I'd like nothing more than to hang out with someone today and avoid all contact with him, but i'm going to resist, no avoiding this year - everything head on. Baby steps. Clean flat and then a night of pampering myself.
I'll let you know how it goes...
ps: Thanks to those of you who are reading and have either commented or sent me emails over the last 24hrs x
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