... x

Today I said goodbye to my best friend for the last few years... I didn't say what I wanted to... I hurt him and he hurt me.

I'll miss you and wish you the best.

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Lifehouse, You and Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ac3HkriqdGQ&feature=fvst

The end of an era

So yesterday I emailed and then spoke to the landlord for this flat and copied Mr S in to let him know I was officially handing in my notice. 

The landlord was great and actually decided he would try to help me out by offering an alternative flat for one of us.  I let Mr S know and all he did was complain that I'd emailed the landlord without speaking to him.  Despite the fact we had spoken about it and he has been out the house staying with a girl he met on a night out on Sunday since Sunday (yeah clearly a meeting of minds), I apparently acted out and did it to spite him.

Anyway today the landlord called and Mr S is viewing a flat on Monday and if he likes it will be outta here a week today giving me 1mth to find someone.  (Oh I negotiated a relax in the rent for the both of us to allow the changeover to happen - yes thats right, the both of us - clearly he is right, I am being unreasonable and horrible to him, I don't think!).

Anyway, I'm stressed beyond belief, am feeling upset and uncertain of the next few months but, and this is a big BUT, instead of letting things drag on and on i've taken the bull by the horns and what will be will be.

I tell you what, I need a holiday!... So if any of you blogger monkeys happen to be millionare villa owners, feel free to cut a girl a break.

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Avril Lavigne, These things i'll never say:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXld5gHRaJA

Choices

To be brunette or blonde, to buy a new laptop or not, to skip class at Uni this morning or to go in and pretend i'm taking it all in, to say yes next time I'm asked on a date, to move forward and not back...

Life is full of 101 changes from the inane to the important and whether you make them or sit back and simply deliberate nothing will stop for you to make up your mind.  People still get up and go to work, people are born, people die and all the while no matter how hard things get the world never stops spinning. 

I know all of this and yes, in perspective anything I have ever had to deal with is nothing compared to what some people have to go through or live with everyday, but then thats the point isn't it?  Problems are only as difficult or as big as the life that you are used to.

Life in the flat is terrible just now, I still can't seem to find a flatshare and I was going to wait until Joey could move in and then get Mr S to move out but things have taken a turn for the worse the last week or so (hence the lack of blog) and I've been upset/angry/hurt and unsure what to do.  While I would like things to stop until I get my head together and enforce some kind of normality that isn't how things work so I've got my boss on my case at work for total nonsense about the guys in my team (normally I would push back but I just sat there and stared blankly), I have two deadlines for Uni looming and somehow I seem to have been inundated with guys who for whatever reason want to take me on a date - how?!?!

Deep breaths aren't working and I genuinely think I had a panic attack over the smallest thing yesterday (thats soooooo far from normality in my world... I can usually take 4 or 5 times as much crap as the next guy and still come out on form), anyway a trip to the pharmacy before work today is definately going on the cards - something to stop my heart going into overdrive because of life changing revelations (not) like starbucks have run out of caramel syrup.

I've been through bigger things but for some reason this whole thing seems to have got me cornered.  I feel shakey at the smallest thing, literally my hands go cold and I can't stop them from jumping about, my face goes red and my heart feels like it is about to pound through my chest and take out an innocent passer by.

Whatever this is... It needs to stop because I refuse to be that girl... the girl that has somehow appeared over the last few blogs - little miss self-absorbed/boring who isn't in control of her own life! 

Someone help my head tell my body to tow the line and get back in the game!

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Life doesn't stop for anyone:  Primal Scream - Rocks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H41Wuo5Uba0

Band-age

I have fallen off the planet a little lately as things have been slightly insane with Mr S, the flat, Uni and work.  Nothing that you will probably want to hear about although I'll give you an update tomorrow.

I went to meet the guys that replied to my ad to form a band this Saturday, it was a little weird arranging to meet 5 people in a bar that i'd never clapped eyes on before, but seemed to be going to plan. Everyone text to say they could make it and then only 1 guy turned up!   I had a good chat to him but to be honest wasn't sure how to move forward when I left. 

Anyhoo I got home to an email last night from a guy who has written some songs and recorded them with various musicians and is now looking for a singer to complete the traks so has contacted me.  Looks like I might be gigging as a singer after all :o)

On the guy front someone I went to school with years ago got in touch... well actually we have been in touch a while, but started chatting recently over something random and well we have hit it off.  He lives miles away and to be honest i'm not attracted to him but everyone likes a flirt every now and than.

I'll be back over the next few days on form again, giving you some pearls of wisdom - aren't you a lucky bunch.

Whirlpool

The last few days worth of blogs have been wellies in golden syrup all over again... I'm trying to claw my way back to the edge again so pull up your socks blogger monkeys!

I'm bringing a bunch of people from work back to my flat tonight for some pancake making madness.  I've done an online shop and the kitchen is full off goodies (maple syrup, blueberrys, strawberrys, chocolate chips and whipped cream) ready to be mixed into a batter and flipped in glory onto my ceiling :p

I have to say i'm slightly aprehensive having people over when things are so odd with Mr S at the moment but I think having a giggle will do me the world of good.

If I make a valient effort and a pancake tower Jamie Oliver would be proud of i'll post a pic tomorrow.

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The song getting me through at the moment:  Creed, One last breath
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-yXPPFyG0A

Valentine's Day

The weight of a thousand lies

A promise is broken only all the time

You say that you're sure to change...

I wanna step aside, I wanna give it up
But I lose it all, it's tearing me up inside

The way you break me down

But there will come a time when I will come undone

And you will let me fall

I'll leave it all behind before you break me down

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Break me down, Alterbridge: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pZrL1rZCRM

Promulgation

FUUUUUUCKKKK!

So without the details, or the background or anything else... I told Mr S I was still in love with him today!  I didn't mean to, it just flew out of my mouth and before I could catch it, it was too late!

And how did I react afterwards or regain control of the situation in a way normal people would?  I tell you now, it is not by finishing the sentance with the words 'you are an asshole'!?!!

I mean wft?  Why is it, I can be sense itself 99% of the time and yet sometimes I act like a total lunatic.

The response by the way was an angry face, silence and him heading out on a date - what was I thinking?  Or not, as the case may be.

Promulgation (v):  To announce or declare
(Or in my world... to make a total tit of yourself with no going back)

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Highly appropriate:  Don't Speak, No Doubt
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TR3Vdo5etCQ

Just a song

Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me

When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, you blew me away...

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Embrace, Ashes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mv_DMedsvxM

Doppleganger

A sad truth is that i'm ever so slightly addicted to facebook, i'm not quite sure how it happened and don't get me wrong I don't spend hours playing games like farmville etc. but I do log in everyday, and feel the urge to update my staus every now and then... It was doppleganger week last week and I was delighted at some of my friends results, they definately kept me amused. 

Anyone care to share who their doppleganger is?  (leave a comment)

Things in the flat are strained at the moment due to one thing or another but i'm honestly too exhausted to explain... 

The girl at work I was telling you about who had split up with her boyfriend is definately looking like the of choice.  I didn't give her a name before (I think), but in keeping with doppleganger week, I'll call her Joey from here on in.

Nothing else is really happening at the moment, I seem to be back in the numb phase, just drifting along and hoping something exciting comes along to bring me back to life.

John Lennon:  'Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans'

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A great track from a fantastic movie:  Sarah McLaghlan, Angel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnL1e4-NfaA

Pink Wellies & Crowd Surfing

Well my birthday weekend didn't quite go as planned but was enjoyable all the same. 

I went out with the girls from Uni on Thursday (my actual birthday) after finishing off work on a group presentation.  We headed to a local bar played pool, drank heaven (koppaberg - elderflower and lime), and then went onto an Italian where my friend works as a chef for some well needed food. I got home about 2am still wearing the pink stripy wellies I'd selected that morning to help me trudge through the park to Uni - classy!

On Friday and Saturday I met with a few friends for a quick catchup and coffee and then on Saturday night I went to the cinema with Mr S.  The only film on was 'The road' which neither of us had heard of... It wasn't the ideal choice for a cheery birthday trip to the cinema but it was heartwarming and I would definately recommend it.  Sunday I headed into town to meet a girl from work who was celebrating her b'day.  I didn't know anyone there as our mutual friends didn't turn up until later - it wasn't ideal.  I sucked it in and introduced myself but the group weren't the most forthcoming, thank goodness the rugby game was on for a welcome distraction!

I met Red later on Sunday and we headed to a gig at one of the local venues (she isn't much of a gig monkey but keeps trying).  Red clocked a guy she thought was staring over at me and so enforced pushing and shoving ensued until I was forced to stand right beside him.  He was definately attractive but too young (and if you knew me that would make you giggle as apparently 'I like them young'), anyway as the main act came on he rapidly evolved from 'regular hot but young guy' to 'insane guy in a stripy t-shirt' noted by all as someone to stay away from due to his insane bouncing!  We should have moved but as the view was great we decided to stay... 3 songs later stripy t-shirt guy had somehow managed to lift me up and I was crowd surfing towards the stage!

So in brief turning 28 = pink wellies, koppaberg, playing pool, Italian food, 6 Nations and crowd surfing!

---------------------
An awesome band who will be huge in a few years:  Twin Atlantic, Audience and Audio
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJCaOUV_krAd

20-eight

Happy Birthday to me..!

So at 21:04pm tonight I'll be 28, wow!   If someone had asked me at 18 where I would be in ten years time, this is not the picture I would have painted.  I'd have gone down the 'good job, bought a flat, nice car, married, possibly with a kid on the way'  In reality i'm still at uni, live in a flatshare, still haven't got round to sitting my driving test and as for married... well you know that story!

Ok so the last day of the past.

After moving location any time the urge took me for 2/3years my feet were forced to stick to the ground like glue when I landed a job in Edinburgh helping to build up the business of a start up.  I hopped from flatshare to flatshare for a couple of months until I found one sharing with 5 others (3 guys, 2 girls - perfect for making a friend base fast) and decided to unpack my suitcase for the first time in a long time.

One of the guys in the flat was from the states (we'll call him Michigan for obvious reasons), he was tall, intelligent, had a thirst for life and a gorgeous accent... He was the first guy I'd been interested in a long time!  We hung out all the time and never stopped laughing.  A few months after, he finished his masters and started packing to move back home.  We'd been flirting around since the first day I moved into the flat and so the announcement that he was leaving put the whole thing into overdrive, I took a few days off work, we partied hard with anyone who was game and a couple of days before he left we slept together - it was perfect!  Not in a gushy way, but it was fun, adventurous and as he was leaving it didn't complicate a thing.  I still stay in touch with Michigan, he is still as crazy as ever but has settled down the last few years, got himself a wife and has a 2yr old.

Yep, Michigan was a turning point for me, after him I decided it was time to 'get back in the game' for want of a better phrase.  Within a month or so I was going on 2 or 3 dates a week, I had a great time and met some fantastic people who despite not 'clicking with', some of which I still hear from on occasion and in fact one of the guys I met however briefly was the person who helped me realise it was ok to take a step backwards and go to University again. 

The next year or so is a bit of a blurr, it was a whirlwind of new people, dates, giggles and self discovery until I bit the bullet, and moved city again, this time for University. 

I moved in with my best friend from school (i'll probably mention her a lot so we will call her Herb - doesn't matter why) and got a low brow job in the run up to the first semester, a month later I met Mr S, was swept off my feet (someday soon i'll tell you that story) and well here I am almost 4 years later telling my tale to you.

-------------

Because soon i'll be there:  The Lemonheads, Mrs Robinson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DvK6VTG67U

A walking oxymoron

Day 2 of me, me, me...

After University my dad died and it broke me, he was the one person that could make everything ok without saying a word.  We had very little when I was younger and I can remember lots of days when we had nothing to eat and would sneek into the farmers field and sneek a couple of potatoes and a few carrots (when ours in the garden had run out) and made 3 day soup that pretty much only ever tasted of pepper.  He was one of the most compassionate people I have ever known and is still my hero.  My mum fell to pieces and I had to step up and take charge to organise the funeral - after that the only thing I wanted to do was get away. 

The next few years I changed jobs and locations whenever the wind changed direction, I was my own Mary Poppins.  You could say I wasted years going no-where and stuck in a rut, but it did me the world of good.  I discovered who I was, moved to places I knew no-one forcing myself to make new friends, grew more confident and did a lot of soul searching.  I somehow along the way found a talent I never knew I had and that took me to Edinburgh where I started climbing the ladder.  I took no crap, negotiated my salary and position on a monthly basis and somehow managed to find myself sitting pretty. 

I hated it!  My talent was target oriented and as a hugely emotional person the fact i'd discovered my niche in a world I hated was a bizzare concept.  I became two people 'work me' and 'regular me', the people I worked with and met through my job were arrogant, money and posession oriented and generally from rich backgrounds - not that they were bad people, most were really nice, but I just didn't seem to be able to sit easy in their company.  Its amazing, after a while of putting on a front you become an expert and to this day it always amuses me when people I meet in work situations tell me they have me all worked out.  Not that I try to be one of these 'i'm so complex and intense i'm above everyone else' but not a chance. Lil miss power suit who takes no crap from anyone, walks into a room with her head held high and challenges anyone is really lil miss 'oh my god, when I go through this door everyone will look at me - deep breath, deep breath'.  I used to think if you acted a certain way for a while it would start to come naturally - rubbish!  The only change is that I know if I throw myself into it other people will believe the illusion.  I bet you didn't know you were talking to a master of disguise!

I hope one day after University (this 2nd time) I find a job where things fall into place.  It would be great to meet people who put on the same front to be sucessful but take it off like a coat when they get home.  I've met a few over the years, its pretty easy to spot kindred spirits and for them to spot you once you look.  My manager last year was an ogre, he frequently upset those around him and gave off the air of 'don't talk to me unless its important and if you say the wrong thing I will tear you to pieces' after a month I was sure he was wearing a cloak so I challenged him in my monthly apprasal and sure enough down came the barriers and we had a really great chat.  He told me all about his insecurities in work (most were his biggest percieved strengths) and I did the same.  We have never spoken about it since, once the door closed and I left the room the game of make believe ensued with only a few passing glances acknowledgement since.

---------------

Song for an oxymoron:  Train, Drops of Jupiter
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VS0CV_GWEMI

Snogging & First love

So as promised, in the build up to my b'day a bit of a better insight into me, how I got into this mess and maybe why I do the things I do... and where better to start than the men behind the woman :p

Just assume that all the names given are made up (admittedly most of the men that have been and gone in my life have already earned themselves a nickname of glory but for those few that escaped the doom of 'girl chat', I'll get creative)


I lost my virginity to JB when I was 16/17, I had lusted after him for a couple of years - he was older, gave off that impression of being deep and intense when really he was just so far up his own ass.  It was fast, pretty unmemorable apart for the events that followed and despite waiting longer than my friends  to have my first time with 'mr right' definately ended chalked up to a disaster.

After JB I soon worked out that despite my regular teenage girl hangups (my breasts are too small, my bum is too big, i'm ugly) I could pretty much work my magic on any guy.  Sex was out again but 'snogging' was definately in! 5th and 6th year at school was a blurr, lots of fun, lots of boys and lots of comedy kodak moments.

The worst kiss of my life - A broken pact with myself never to kiss a boy in my year, it should have been awesome... he kissed like a washing machine on spin dry!

The best kiss of my life - The first love of my life (Clutz) 1st year Uni, the boy from the flat downstairs.  I hated him from the word go, the girls in my flat swooned over him and he was always there!  There when I woke up, there when I went to sleep and always being fed by the coven of female company trying to impress.  I found him eating cereal that only I had in the kitchen one morning a few weeks after moving in and if I remember rightly the phrase 'mummy and daddy might be paying for your education but i'm doing this on my own, so if so much as one cocoa-pop from my cupboard passes your lips again you'll have bitten of more than you can chew' from pretty much then on in it was merely time.  

I loved to hate him and he loved to wind me up until one night it all came to a head and we ended up having the most perfect kiss.  I didn't want to end up in a relationship at Uni, I was having waaaaay too much fun and so was he, but when you click you click and there were fireworks!  We moved into the same flatshare in 2nd year and three years later we were still together, the whole thing was one long first date.  We helped each other discover who we were and never stopped laughing until the end. 

He went to Africa for 3 months and we kind of fell apart, he realised we had grown apart and despite denying it even to myself I knew it was true.  The breakup was one of the most difficult things I'd done and the lines were well and truly blurry, we tried to stay friends but things always ended up in the bedroom.  We kept trying to make it work and both started dating but it was always a fine line - a little while later he met a girl and we lost touch (she hated our relationship and to make it work we had to lose touch), they got married last August :o)

Well think that is enough background for one day!

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Booked my tickets and flights to Download festival last week so here's a virtual high-5 to headliner AC/DC and a clip from one of the greatest movies of all time:  AC/DC, If you want blood
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7wFpMJr_hQ

Snippets of Me

So this weekend didn't go exactly to plan, I wasn't well so spent most of it in my flat mooching.  I'm pretty peeved (for want of a better word) as both nights I missed seemed to go with a bang and everyone had a great time.  It was nice to know I was missed from all the texts.

On Saturday I went for a walk in the park with Mr S and we cleared the air about a few things so the flat isn't so bad now.  I am still looking for something else but sense has kicked to find something right and one of my friends from work has just split up with her bf so we might look together which would take off some of the strain :o)

Its only 3 more days till my 28th birthday - bring on the botox! 

I think the next few months will bring a lot of change, I somehow feel i'm slowly but surely crawling to the edge of that golden syrup filled swimming pool.  I do however think that maybe for you to understand things a little more, I might need to divulge a more info on me rather than other people. 

So that is the plan for the next 3 days worth of blogs - three days of narcissisticc 'Serendipity' stories and info - lucky you!

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I might as well let you see how other people see me so here are a couple of clips that i'm told by friends remind them of me (not so sure they are flattering) lol

1.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxSsGXjDq6c  (according to Mr S on my general behaviour)

2.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WNrx2jq184  (according to my team at work this is how I pretty much line up and tell a joke)

3.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZkIA5ks-8A  (pretty much everyone who has seen this movie and knows me has made reference to 'that is soooo something you would do/that would happen to you' from 2:20 in this clip to the end)