Respite

This will be my last blog for a few days as i'm jetting off for an appointment this evening and then straight over to Herb and Barron's house for the flatwarming tomorrow with Balloo... I'm sure i'll have some juice gossip for you when I get back.

Mr S stayed in the flat for the first time in about 3 weeks last night, he rocked in about 10pm and wanted to talk but it was the last thing I needed yesterday so I was polite but declined and headed upstairs.  He text me today to say he is hoping to 'fix' our friendship and implied he will be back at the flat a little more until he moves out in order to do this... we will see

Anyway adios amigos... have a good weekend

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Kelly Clarkson, Since you've been Gone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdxRS_GyBbM

Full of Grace

'Tuesdays child is full of grace'

I have 101 deadlines for Uni this week and am going out of my mind trying to fit in the time to get them all done - I'm shattered and am most definately not full of grace.

The silver lining is that on Friday I'm heading down to see 'herb' and her bf, my ex flatmate and the guy I set her up with (what shall we call him hmmm Barron) with another one of our mutual friends (who I will call) Balloo.  I'm really looking forward to it,  I've known herb since my first day in secondary school so about 18yrs now and have known Barron and Balloo for 11yrs.  Herb and Barron have just moved house so they have organised a flatwarming party around our arrival with the theme of 'silly hat'.  A quick visit to ebay last night has ensured that both Balloo and I will be hooked up with head attire for a captain and a pirate - love it!

My boss gave me a bottle of champers  and a box of chocs at work last night for my team's performance over the last fortnight - about time!  Being a part-time team the guys miss out on a lot and a bad few hours can knock their stats for an entire week.  It also just goes to show that despite the disaster that is lil ole me at the moment my game of make-believe, falsty and keeping up the pretence to all concerned that I'm lil Miss on-top-of-everything is still on form.

We've had a giggle the last few weeks as the majority of us are Uni students and have developed what can only be described as 'the deadline look' - The right eye somewhat bigger than the left, the left eye having developed a twitch, bad skin, unkempt hair, either a foot or a set of fingers that won't stop moving, a tone of voice that jumps around more than a drunk dude at a punk-rock gig, and an un-natural addiction to all things sugary and full of caffine - oh yeah, we are a colourful bunch at the moment and with exams around the corner I imagine things will only get more interesting from here on in.

------------------

MGMT, Time to pretend

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9GH-yvPHSY

Seriously?!?

Mr S who hasn't been back to the flat for approx 3wks as he has moved in with someone he met that Sunday he went out text me today to say he missed me as a friend.  He then orchastrated a trip to the flat when I was at work so to miss me....

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

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I picked this song mainly for the chorus, but this video brought a much needed smile to my face.
Kellis, I hate you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmXwpPRbVSM

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.


I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.


I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.


-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master,
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.
 
----------------

Elizabeth Bishop

'begun is half done'

I probably couldn't have picked a better year to start blogging if I had tried.

This year seems set to be one of great change, deliberation, turbulance personal challenge.  Its only March and I feel like I've been on an emotional rollercoaster for what seems like forever.

Truth time.  So far, I've written about six different things in this box for today's blog and have deleted them all.  I can't seem to make a decision at the moment big or small, and as for essay/report writing and Uni deadlines, well...

If this course wasn't so important to me I think I'd be pulling a Mary Poppins and jumping on that oh so familiar band wagon of packing my things and going somewhere new.

Oh well, I guess I'll just keep on truckin'

---------------
New Radicals, You get what you give
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL7-CKirWZE

Floating

I feel like i'm floating in time just now, going nowhere, doing nothing and numb to it all.  Its weird, I feel like I'm watching my life pass by sat in a glass box somewhere inside my head but if i'm here... who is driving?

I've been through a lot in my life and managed to bounce back pretty well so its perplexing to me that this time I'm somehow lost.  The last few weeks worth of blogs have pretty much followed the theme of being stuck in a rut and I think somewhere along the road I've stopped trying to dig myself out - this needs to change.

Jeremy Taylor said that 'Love is friendship set on fire'  if thats true then right now the only thing left is a pile of ash and memories and all I need is a good gust of wind...

--------------
Snow Patrol - Chocolate
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FT62Gwv70kM

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia

Ok lets see if I can get you up to speed

In short: Life in the flat is slowly coming together, work is going ok despite the smirk the crazy pills pasted all over my face last night and with any luck I'll get the essays/reports for my Uni deadlines fired out and handed in by the middle of next week.

And the Longer version...

Flat

A friend of a friend came to see the flat on Monday and she is definately moving in, its just a case of her working out when but it will be by the end of the month at the latest.

Mr S hasn't been back to stay for almost 2 weeks, he has practically moved in with some girl he met that Sunday night (as far as I know) and only dropped in for a few mins last Saturday to do his dishes.  Mouldy Laundry and the rest of the rubbish still sitting where I left it.

Work

I had my APR last night, it was due in December but due to my managers lack of organisational skills was 3 months late.  In a 'real' job, I'd have gone wild at this prospect as it meant my scores and bonus related pay were submitted before any evidence could be submitted or a discussion could take place, here however, the discussion is merely a paper exercise.  The entire meeting took 8mins, I had written a total of 128 words (he counted).  Don't get me wrong I deliberatly refrained from submitting preperation as at IPR time I went in all guns blazing (as that is always what has been expected in my previous positions) and it was a total waste of time/breath so I refused to head in this time for a repeat performance. 

Its rare that someone can get under my skin in a work related situation (at least on the outside), but when his attempt to berate me for my lack of preperation was met with a smirk rather than a look of deliberation it was game over and we called the meeting to an end.  

Everything Else

I'm feeling a little sick with the tablets today, and only managed to get 4hrs sleep before waking, bright eyed and bushy tailed.  I do however feel like maybe I could sit down and work towards some of my Uni deadlines this afternoon - hurrah!

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia:  A phobia impossible to admit to (ironically amusing)

--------------------
The theme song of my week:  Gavin DeGraw, I don't wanna be
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJzR6SBpVnA&feature=fvst

Smarties

I wasn't sure if I should post this next bit of info, but when I started out on this blog journey I wanted it to be the good, the bad and the ugly... my life on a plate, so really, there was no choice.

Despite being the girl who can bounce back from everything, the rock that most people lean on etc.  I have hit a really deep dark patch with this whole thing and scared myself in the week that I fell off blog planet land. 

Anyway everything climaxed the other day when I found myself sat on my bedroom floor hacking away at the flesh on my arms with any sharp object I could get my hands on.  I started with scissors, went to a knife in the kitchen drawer when that wasn't cutting enough and even resorted to smashing a class and using the chard's to ensure I could get as deep as possible.  What stopped me from completing the job?  Not pain, or uncertainty in my actions, but the knowledge that behind I would leave my mum and who would take care of her when I was gone.  She already struggles to get up in the morning and stay on track since dad died and I couldn't add to that by applying any kind of guilt.  My days training as a nurse paid off, I stitched myself up and am now accessorising every day with long sleeved tops and an array of very chunky bangles.

I went to the docs a few days later and left with an appointment to go and see someone and a prescription for 'happy pills'.  I'm ashamed that this is what it has come to as its like admitting failure?

Anyway, crazy amounts of deliberation and here I am.

I started taking the tablets only a day ago and the side effects have already kicked in (which according to a few online forums I've been on, seems to be the norm).  I would probably have kept this whole thing to myself but I think perhaps including this in my journey might make for a few interesting and laughable events.

I slept 3 hours last night in total and have more energy today than I have ever had despite being quite an active person.  The only thing I can put it on par with is an adrenalin rush and wow am I rushing!  I could quite easily run round my living room screaming at the top of my lungs for a few hours, hold down a conversation with several people all at once and give John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever a run for his money busting shapes on the dancefloor. 

You would think I could throw out a couple of essays for these looming deadlines in about 20mins right now but no.... my head is running waaaaaay too fast for anything else... How i'm managing to get this down for you guys is actually beyond me at the moment.  I'm typing this as I'm standing up and rocking out to some tunes on MTV.

This is mental!!

----------------------

The ONLY song right now:  Song 2, Blur
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSbBvKaM6sk

Peripetia

When I was about 20/21 I applied through channel4 to appear on a new tv show they were about to launch a pilot for called shipwrecked (yep thats right).  Anyway I got into the final 50 through telephone interviews, photos and a quick chat with scouts, a few weeks later I met with the producers but didn't make the final cut of 35 and so didn't get onto the show.  After that a few of the assosiated companies kept my details on file and from time to time I get a call to see if I am interested in taking part in a show but nothing has caught my interest... until now.

I got a call yesterday from Hattrick productions to see if I would be interested in taking place in a new dating show, a cross between come dine with me and blind date.  I took a deep breath, said yes and took place in a really random telephone conversation/interview the outcome of which was a resounding 'you are exactly the type of person we are looking for'.  The film crew are coming to my flat in two weeks to talk to me for 20mins on camera and to determine if we move forward.  I'm nervous and apprehensive but I figured I might as well introduce myself to this dating game again with a bang.

Yep, its time to don the wading boots once again and tramp my way through this mess.

Peripetia:  A sudden change in fortune

-----------------
You can pretend... but we both know this song is legendary!  And screw your boyzone version, Billy Ocean kicks ass!!


Billy Ocean, When the going gets tough
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kx2Y_a_yGyY

Pushing forward

Well I've a report due for 4pm today and with everything going on i've not been able to even think about starting to put it all together... I think it will be late submission number 1 for the year.

Tonight I have someone coming round to look at the flat, she is a friend of one of the other managers at work and seems really nice on the phone.  I told Mr S on Saturday when he popped home for all of 10mins and asked him to clear up his 3 week old dishes, sort out his wet for 2 week laundry and asked him to make his room and bathroom look presentable.  He did the dishes and then went out saying he would be back later, that was 2 days ago and he hasn't been back since so I need to move things and tidy up this evening in a mad rush before she arrives so not to put her off. 

On a happier note...

I've taken a long weekend off work in a couple of weeks to Salisbury to visit my best friend from school (Herb) and her boyfriend (my old flatmate / the guy I set her up with years ago) with one of our mutual friends.  They have just moved house and so are going to arrange a flat warming around the visit which should be fun and who knows I need a good blow out!  

I've also booked a long weekend in the summer to take my mum back to the town we used to live in when I was at high-school.  Its been a bit of a nightmare to organise but seems to be sorted out now.  A couple of old school friends have already been in touch to say it would be great to catch up so i'm looking forward to it. 

One of the people to get in touch is a guy who we shall call 00J, he and I were far from close in school as he was most definately a guys guy and I was a bit geek chic.  Anyhoo we've been talking a little the last couple of weeks and flirting has definately been involved.  We live miles apart and its just a bit of fun at both ends to be honest, but at the same time i'm sure it will make for some decent, innocent banter if we bump into each other when i'm up.

What else... hmmm, oh well on the band front i'm meeting up with the guy who contacted me about singing to his tracks at the end of this week so i'll keep you posted.

---------------------
Because it makes me smile and its the start of a new month: 
John Mayer, Waiting on the World to Change
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z87ltstOZp4

... x

Today I said goodbye to my best friend for the last few years... I didn't say what I wanted to... I hurt him and he hurt me.

I'll miss you and wish you the best.

---------------

Lifehouse, You and Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ac3HkriqdGQ&feature=fvst

The end of an era

So yesterday I emailed and then spoke to the landlord for this flat and copied Mr S in to let him know I was officially handing in my notice. 

The landlord was great and actually decided he would try to help me out by offering an alternative flat for one of us.  I let Mr S know and all he did was complain that I'd emailed the landlord without speaking to him.  Despite the fact we had spoken about it and he has been out the house staying with a girl he met on a night out on Sunday since Sunday (yeah clearly a meeting of minds), I apparently acted out and did it to spite him.

Anyway today the landlord called and Mr S is viewing a flat on Monday and if he likes it will be outta here a week today giving me 1mth to find someone.  (Oh I negotiated a relax in the rent for the both of us to allow the changeover to happen - yes thats right, the both of us - clearly he is right, I am being unreasonable and horrible to him, I don't think!).

Anyway, I'm stressed beyond belief, am feeling upset and uncertain of the next few months but, and this is a big BUT, instead of letting things drag on and on i've taken the bull by the horns and what will be will be.

I tell you what, I need a holiday!... So if any of you blogger monkeys happen to be millionare villa owners, feel free to cut a girl a break.

---------------------

Avril Lavigne, These things i'll never say:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXld5gHRaJA

Choices

To be brunette or blonde, to buy a new laptop or not, to skip class at Uni this morning or to go in and pretend i'm taking it all in, to say yes next time I'm asked on a date, to move forward and not back...

Life is full of 101 changes from the inane to the important and whether you make them or sit back and simply deliberate nothing will stop for you to make up your mind.  People still get up and go to work, people are born, people die and all the while no matter how hard things get the world never stops spinning. 

I know all of this and yes, in perspective anything I have ever had to deal with is nothing compared to what some people have to go through or live with everyday, but then thats the point isn't it?  Problems are only as difficult or as big as the life that you are used to.

Life in the flat is terrible just now, I still can't seem to find a flatshare and I was going to wait until Joey could move in and then get Mr S to move out but things have taken a turn for the worse the last week or so (hence the lack of blog) and I've been upset/angry/hurt and unsure what to do.  While I would like things to stop until I get my head together and enforce some kind of normality that isn't how things work so I've got my boss on my case at work for total nonsense about the guys in my team (normally I would push back but I just sat there and stared blankly), I have two deadlines for Uni looming and somehow I seem to have been inundated with guys who for whatever reason want to take me on a date - how?!?!

Deep breaths aren't working and I genuinely think I had a panic attack over the smallest thing yesterday (thats soooooo far from normality in my world... I can usually take 4 or 5 times as much crap as the next guy and still come out on form), anyway a trip to the pharmacy before work today is definately going on the cards - something to stop my heart going into overdrive because of life changing revelations (not) like starbucks have run out of caramel syrup.

I've been through bigger things but for some reason this whole thing seems to have got me cornered.  I feel shakey at the smallest thing, literally my hands go cold and I can't stop them from jumping about, my face goes red and my heart feels like it is about to pound through my chest and take out an innocent passer by.

Whatever this is... It needs to stop because I refuse to be that girl... the girl that has somehow appeared over the last few blogs - little miss self-absorbed/boring who isn't in control of her own life! 

Someone help my head tell my body to tow the line and get back in the game!

---------------------
Life doesn't stop for anyone:  Primal Scream - Rocks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H41Wuo5Uba0

Band-age

I have fallen off the planet a little lately as things have been slightly insane with Mr S, the flat, Uni and work.  Nothing that you will probably want to hear about although I'll give you an update tomorrow.

I went to meet the guys that replied to my ad to form a band this Saturday, it was a little weird arranging to meet 5 people in a bar that i'd never clapped eyes on before, but seemed to be going to plan. Everyone text to say they could make it and then only 1 guy turned up!   I had a good chat to him but to be honest wasn't sure how to move forward when I left. 

Anyhoo I got home to an email last night from a guy who has written some songs and recorded them with various musicians and is now looking for a singer to complete the traks so has contacted me.  Looks like I might be gigging as a singer after all :o)

On the guy front someone I went to school with years ago got in touch... well actually we have been in touch a while, but started chatting recently over something random and well we have hit it off.  He lives miles away and to be honest i'm not attracted to him but everyone likes a flirt every now and than.

I'll be back over the next few days on form again, giving you some pearls of wisdom - aren't you a lucky bunch.

Whirlpool

The last few days worth of blogs have been wellies in golden syrup all over again... I'm trying to claw my way back to the edge again so pull up your socks blogger monkeys!

I'm bringing a bunch of people from work back to my flat tonight for some pancake making madness.  I've done an online shop and the kitchen is full off goodies (maple syrup, blueberrys, strawberrys, chocolate chips and whipped cream) ready to be mixed into a batter and flipped in glory onto my ceiling :p

I have to say i'm slightly aprehensive having people over when things are so odd with Mr S at the moment but I think having a giggle will do me the world of good.

If I make a valient effort and a pancake tower Jamie Oliver would be proud of i'll post a pic tomorrow.

----------------------
The song getting me through at the moment:  Creed, One last breath
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-yXPPFyG0A

Valentine's Day

The weight of a thousand lies

A promise is broken only all the time

You say that you're sure to change...

I wanna step aside, I wanna give it up
But I lose it all, it's tearing me up inside

The way you break me down

But there will come a time when I will come undone

And you will let me fall

I'll leave it all behind before you break me down

-------------

Break me down, Alterbridge: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pZrL1rZCRM

Promulgation

FUUUUUUCKKKK!

So without the details, or the background or anything else... I told Mr S I was still in love with him today!  I didn't mean to, it just flew out of my mouth and before I could catch it, it was too late!

And how did I react afterwards or regain control of the situation in a way normal people would?  I tell you now, it is not by finishing the sentance with the words 'you are an asshole'!?!!

I mean wft?  Why is it, I can be sense itself 99% of the time and yet sometimes I act like a total lunatic.

The response by the way was an angry face, silence and him heading out on a date - what was I thinking?  Or not, as the case may be.

Promulgation (v):  To announce or declare
(Or in my world... to make a total tit of yourself with no going back)

---------------
Highly appropriate:  Don't Speak, No Doubt
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TR3Vdo5etCQ

Just a song

Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me

When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, you blew me away...

--------------------

Embrace, Ashes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mv_DMedsvxM

Doppleganger

A sad truth is that i'm ever so slightly addicted to facebook, i'm not quite sure how it happened and don't get me wrong I don't spend hours playing games like farmville etc. but I do log in everyday, and feel the urge to update my staus every now and then... It was doppleganger week last week and I was delighted at some of my friends results, they definately kept me amused. 

Anyone care to share who their doppleganger is?  (leave a comment)

Things in the flat are strained at the moment due to one thing or another but i'm honestly too exhausted to explain... 

The girl at work I was telling you about who had split up with her boyfriend is definately looking like the of choice.  I didn't give her a name before (I think), but in keeping with doppleganger week, I'll call her Joey from here on in.

Nothing else is really happening at the moment, I seem to be back in the numb phase, just drifting along and hoping something exciting comes along to bring me back to life.

John Lennon:  'Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans'

-----------------

A great track from a fantastic movie:  Sarah McLaghlan, Angel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnL1e4-NfaA

Pink Wellies & Crowd Surfing

Well my birthday weekend didn't quite go as planned but was enjoyable all the same. 

I went out with the girls from Uni on Thursday (my actual birthday) after finishing off work on a group presentation.  We headed to a local bar played pool, drank heaven (koppaberg - elderflower and lime), and then went onto an Italian where my friend works as a chef for some well needed food. I got home about 2am still wearing the pink stripy wellies I'd selected that morning to help me trudge through the park to Uni - classy!

On Friday and Saturday I met with a few friends for a quick catchup and coffee and then on Saturday night I went to the cinema with Mr S.  The only film on was 'The road' which neither of us had heard of... It wasn't the ideal choice for a cheery birthday trip to the cinema but it was heartwarming and I would definately recommend it.  Sunday I headed into town to meet a girl from work who was celebrating her b'day.  I didn't know anyone there as our mutual friends didn't turn up until later - it wasn't ideal.  I sucked it in and introduced myself but the group weren't the most forthcoming, thank goodness the rugby game was on for a welcome distraction!

I met Red later on Sunday and we headed to a gig at one of the local venues (she isn't much of a gig monkey but keeps trying).  Red clocked a guy she thought was staring over at me and so enforced pushing and shoving ensued until I was forced to stand right beside him.  He was definately attractive but too young (and if you knew me that would make you giggle as apparently 'I like them young'), anyway as the main act came on he rapidly evolved from 'regular hot but young guy' to 'insane guy in a stripy t-shirt' noted by all as someone to stay away from due to his insane bouncing!  We should have moved but as the view was great we decided to stay... 3 songs later stripy t-shirt guy had somehow managed to lift me up and I was crowd surfing towards the stage!

So in brief turning 28 = pink wellies, koppaberg, playing pool, Italian food, 6 Nations and crowd surfing!

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An awesome band who will be huge in a few years:  Twin Atlantic, Audience and Audio
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJCaOUV_krAd